My fertility bracelet arrived this week and it is oh so pretty. It came in its very own pouch with a paper scroll explaining its meaning. The stones are all symbolic and the crystals have all of their own apparent healing powers. The moonstone in particular is a stone of new beginnings, a feminine stone that is meant to aid fertility and has a calming effect. It’s also suppose to stimulate confidence, good fortune and success. I don’t really know much about the healing powers of crystals and to be frank I don’t even know if it’s all bullshit or not but when I’m feeling afraid and frustrated, annoyed, angry and impatient I’ve come to look at the bracelet, rub the little moonstone and it does calm me down. God it’s crazy that some of us have to put soooo much effort into falling pregnant when all I should have to do is shag my husband at the right time of the month and then a few weeks later see 2 lines after peeing on a stick. If only.
Whilst I’m nearing the home stretch of the 2ww I’ve tried to think of the positives that have come out of this journey. Not a hell of a lot but enough to remind me that I have plenty to be grateful for. MM and I have certainly become closer and I’ve learnt alot more about speaking my mind and not being afraid of expressing my true feelings and my fears. One of the difficult things about our situation is that MM has always been “if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t” about the whole baby/pregnancy thing. He grew up never really thinking he’d have children and whilst he is happy and willing to have a child with me his connection to this task is not nearly as emotional as it is for me. When an IVF cycle fails he is upset for me and worried about me but he’s not devastated for himself. To strangers this might seem, well, strange, but it’s just the way that it is. What I do know though is that when I do fall pregnant he will be happy and when he becomes a father he’ll be the greatest, coolest dad. I’m not lying, it does sometimes make the journey a bit lonely but MM knows this is how I feel and we are working through it together. Another positive is the friendships I’ve formed as a result of getting to know people who have shared this same crappy path. Unfortunately though I know I have shut out some friends because it’s all just a bit too difficult to explain sometimes. Falling pregnant is hard enough and there’s just all other things to have to deal with that goes along with this.
I caught up with a girlfriend yesterday and at the table beside us there were two women relaxing, laughing over a bottle of wine. I was sipping a banana smoothie. I stared longingly at the wine bottle (jeez, that kind of sounds bad) and just wished that I could live normally again. Okay, so that might seem a bit dramatic but if you are TCC and you are struggling with it you will know things just don’t seem nor feel normal. Normality goes out the window when you are taking your temps, checking your um, er, cervical mucus and sipping chinese herbs. I get it that lots, load and in fact MOST women fall pregnant without having to not think about having a glass of wine and logically I know I could have ordered a glass yesterday and it would not have made a difference but it just feels like I’m cheating. I am that prepared to do absolutely anything I can and not drinking is more about feeling in control than anything. I can’t control what will happen this week when my period is due, I can’t control the next IVF cycle but I can control what I do to prepare and being the freak that I am I have to feel as though I’ve got some control over all of this business.
The 2ww is always the time to be symptom spotting and I’m an expert at this. I’ve banned myself from google though – seriously, googling 2ww symptoms is enough to make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork. There is a whole website dedicated to this very topic where women can post EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM they’ve had since DPO1 (days past ovulation). Seriously, how is it even possible to feel different the day after? Anyway, I’ve refrained from logging on to this site this month and that in itself is a huge feat. Yay for me. Of course, this hasn’t stopped me analysing every single thing going on in my body in the last week but this time I’ve played a mental game that for every possible symptom I’ve had I’ve come up with a perfect normal, not pregnant explanation. That lingering headache I’ve had all week for example is because I’ve been wearing my hair in one of those tight top knot bun thingys.
The next few days is really I just have to suck it and see. I’m expecting to pay Dr M a visit on Thursday, hand over an insane amount of money in exchange for some drugs that I’ll start injecting and well here we go again… time to put my best ovaries forward…