Last weekend I kept thinking ‘Ooh, next weekend I might be pregnant” and so when this weekend finally arrived and I was very not pregnant my emotions were surprisingly ok. We were quite busy and there wasn’t a lot of time to dwell and I knew I had Dr M’s appointment coming up so I guess I saw no point in melting down. Yet.
The last 48 hours though have been a lot more challenging and this overwhelming sense of sadness is threatening to derail me. I am trying to keep check on it because losing it altogether is simply not an option. For starters I have a business to run and it is because of this business that I can pay thousands for an egg that I actually own anyway. Secondly, and very importantly, I have a husband who despite his support, if he thinks this is all a bit too much for my mental health then he might (actually he probably won’t) wonder if this is all worth it. The truth is, I don’t remember ever feeling this sad and it isn’t a feeling I’m hugely familiar with.
It’s not so much sadness about the recent failed IVF cycle. I know far too many people who have had to endure way more cycles than I have had before they’ve had success – I might not even be half way. It’s just an overwhelming sense of feeling shit in general about the whole sorry saga. I’m resentful of myself for being in this position in the first place which is stupid because, well just because it is. I hate the fact that I’m feeling sorry for myself. That is not the person I want to be. I know people who have had far greater challenges and I don’t know if they ever felt sorry for themselves. I’m trying not to compare myself with anyone or any other situation. Doing so is counter-productive, draining and very unhelpful.
So back to my appointment with Dr M. It was all very matter of fact. I was terrified he was going to start talking to me about donor eggs etc but the “D” word never came up. We agreed that my new cycle would start somewhere around the 3rd week of January. I asked if there were any drugs (legal or not legal) that I could take in the meantime. I sheepishly admitted that I had been googling different protocols and well Dr M didn’t seem too impressed with this information but nevertheless he indulged me and told me that the drugs I had been researching weren’t all that great after all. In a roundabout, non ego kind of way, he reminded me that his pregnancy rates were among the highest in his field. He fossicked all through my paperwork and concluded that he really was across everything to do with my fertility. Just as well one of us was. I asked him about a synthetic hormone (DHEA) I had researched (googled) and he spruiked more stats about this. No DHEA for me. He said there was the option of increasing my gonal doses but that he didn’t see any point in flogging my ovaries. I disagree, quite frankly I think they need a good flogging but as it stands we are sticking with the same protocol. Merry Christmas Dr M, see you in about 50 days.
I saw my gorgeous acupuncturist Kirsty tonight who took one look at me, touched me on the arm and then made me cry. She is very much across the whole IVF protocol thing and she too concedes that Dr M is in fact the expert and that we shall proceed as per his instructions. I am absolutely certain that the reason my uterus (Marilyn) is in such good shape is because of the chinese herbs and the acupuncture. The herbs can’t change the number of eggs I get but they do have an impact on quality and since my egg (note – singular) has so far managed to fertilise then I am naturally keen to continue on the herb road. Kirsty however has allowed me to up the dosage. Finally someone has upped my drug intake.
So what’s next? Let’s see.. a) be nice to husband b) don’t bake c) ignore people who tell me to “relax” d) suck it up e) revisit the possibility that God might indeed exist but he/she has just been preoccupied.